The United States of Sloshed: A Battle Plan

Reuters released an article about the best selling brand of beer in the world being a Chinese beer called Snow. It passed Bud Light to become number one.

“Snow, which is brewed by SABMiller and its Chinese partner China Resources Enterprises Ltd, saw its 2008 sales volumes jump 19.1 percent to 61 million hectoliters putting it well ahead of Bud Light and sister brew Budweiser.”

I’m sure that this is mildly interesting to hard-core beer enthusiasts. But what get’s my attention is another figure in the story:

“The Snow brand has grown rapidly as China overtook the United States earlier this decade to become the biggest beer market in the world in terms of volume and is now over 50 percent larger.”

China just recently overtook the U.S as the top beer market in the world?  That is unbelievable.

China has a population that is over 400% larger than that of the U.S.


Yet their beer market is only 50% larger than that of the States! And that’s a recent development.

Exactly how drunk are Americans?

I’m sure that some would point to our proportionately larger loss of brain cells and gain of beer bellies and be concerned. But I see a silver lining to our barley & hops addiction.

Americans overall must have a much higher tolerance for beer than their Chinese counterparts!

So here’s my plan: When dealing with the Chinese in international issues we must incorporate booze.

If the U.S ever wants to attack China it has to be after we’ve got them nice and drunk. Our troops could be waiting to attack in the aftermath of a huge keg party. The American troops should be in much better shape to fight after a few brewskies than the Chinese soldiers – who would probably be too busy holding each other’s hair to properly defend themselves.

This is huge news for our national defense!

Border disputes: Beer Pong!

Regional tensions: A beer funneling contest!

“Chemical” warfare: Put beer in their water supply!

Air raids: They’ll get bombed and then get bombed.

And you thought that you partied too much in college…

Drink up soldier!


U.S Population:

Chinese Population:

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One Comment on “The United States of Sloshed: A Battle Plan”

  1. theoates Says:

    Haha, great story I must say! Good writing! hahaha

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