Co-ed Grease Wrestling for Fun and Profit

“Two Detroit-area men face larceny and trespassing charges after authorities say they tried to steal used restaurant grease. Westland police Sgt. Steve Borisch said 52-year-old Christopher Kind and 44-year-old Richard Tallent were arrested early Tuesday at a restaurant in the city 10 miles west of Detroit.

Borisch said an employee of a business that collects and recycles grease under contract with area restaurants had blocked the two with his truck. He told police 1,000 pounds of grease worth about $160 had been drained from a nearby eatery’s grease tank.”

1,000 pounds of grease for $160?!

I know the economy is bad but that just doesn’t seem worth it!

In fact, I don’t think the two burglars were going to sell the grease at all. I think we’re underestimating what they had in mind for this heist.

Here are some possibilities of what they were going to do with it:

– Maybe they were doing it all for the children. The Kind or the Tallent family could have 5 or 6 kids to entertain. Some used grease would sure make the Slip-and-Slide a lot more fun. And just imagine how many grilled-cheese sandwiches you could make!

– Maybe it’s for the sake of style. A guy who’d creep around in the middle of the night to steal a tanker’s worth of used grease could also be the very same guy that sports a huge pompadour! That haul would be at least a year’s supply of Fonzi-esque cool. Think about it.

– We could also be busting them for the wrong crime. There has to be a college in there area and in that college there has to be Co-eds in need of money. You see where I’m going with this. And it goes right back to the “know your criminal” rule. The same guys that would get a truck to syphon grease in the pre-dawn hours could also be the same guys running an illegal grease wrestling league and having people bet on the matches. We have to consider all the possibilities.

– Or maybe we’re looking at the whole operation with small eyes. Maybe they’re not a crime duo but a crime ring. What if the grease heist wasn’t their main goal at all. There could have an accomplice of there’s stuck in the doorway of the last place they tried to rob. I’m picturing an incredibly obese man wedged in the opening of a bank vault, with two skinny guys still in the vault behind him wondering why they didn’t go out third instead of him. Could grease thieves also have an enormous friend whom they rob banks with? Absolutely!

Now this is all speculation. I haven’t been given access to all the details of the case (Gee, I wonder why). But I have a strong gut-feeling about this. And my gut is never wrong, except for that time I sent my two uncles out to steal restaurant grease to fill my swimming pool. They ended up getting arrested and…well…you know the rest.

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3 Comments on “Co-ed Grease Wrestling for Fun and Profit”

  1. That was a good read on wrestling for today.

  2. _joey_ Says:

    This blog’s where its happenning. Keep up the good work.

  3. mrred Says:

    Love this blog I’ll be back when I have more time.

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