Archive for the ‘In The News’ category

Darwin is right…again.

March 23, 2010

Do you ever get the feeling that Darwin’ theories about survival of the fittest apply to modern humans too?

I got that feeling when I read this:

“KENNEWICK, Wash. – A burglar who spent about five hours on a store’s computer after breaking into the business gave police all the clues they needed to track him down.”

The associated press reported this piece of scientific evidence last week. Why is it scientific evidence?

Well the way I figure it, this person will end up in jail – eventually. And while in jail he will not be able to reproduce (barring any conjugal visits). That’s it. A guy dumb enough to loiter in the place he’s robbing for five hours to play around online is not the kind of guy we want making more people.

“Investigators said the 17-year-old logged into his MySpace account while at Bella Office Furniture and that made it easy for them to find him.”

It’s also a blessing that the criminal will not be able to use any social networking sites while in prison. His status updates would most certainly be too graphic for most to read – depending on how frisky of a cellmate he ends up with.

“He also spent time…trying to sell stolen items, all while using the business’ computer.”

And of course, no five-hour stint on the internet would be complete without a look on Ebay. Although I’m not convinced he was trying to sell the items he had just stolen. He might have also been looking to bid for some of the items he wasn’t able to find at the crime scene.

But what do I know?


Help Me I’m Drunk!!!

December 31, 2009

Check out this story in the Miami Herald.

“OLDSMAR, Fla. — Authorities say a Florida man who called 911 claiming he’d been beaten and shot at was hoping the tale would get him a ride to a bar.”

I can usually get my best material right from real life.

“He told the dispatcher he had a broken nose and bleeding ears, and claimed people were shooting at him.
Authorities say he was actually looking for a ride to another bar.”

And of course:

“37-year-old Gregory J. Oras is facing charges of misusing the 911 system and battery of a law enforcement officer.”

Why battery of a law enforcement officer?
Because when the cops refused to take this guy bar hopping “Oras kicked a Pinellas County sheriff’s deputy in the knees”.

Now I know you have many questions about this. I’m sure that someone can reasonably ask anything from:
Was this guy dropped on his head as a child?
To: how much can a taxi possibly cost in that town?

But my personal questions are:

a) Why doesn’t a guy this committed to partying have more friends to drive him around? I would think that he would be really popular with countless options for designated drivers.
b) Why isn’t the owner of the bar he wanted to go to willing to pick him up? Obviously anybody that gets that smashed is a potential goldmine of business for any bar. They should have spent the $3.00 on gas and went to get that cash cow! Assuming that he doesn’t start a brawl, blow the place up, step out on the bill or burn the bar down that would have been a smart business move for them. Even after he inevitably throws up in both the men’s and women’s bathrooms.

So that’s my view on it. The link to the article is right there. Take a look and give me your take (don’t worry it’s short – you can go back to raising your virtual ant farm on Facebook in no time).

Take it easy.

Shiver me timbers! Pirate Misquoted!

April 14, 2009

“Obama says US ‘resolved’ to fight piracy; pirates vow revenge for captain’s rescue”

This piece of front-page news might contain a misquote from one of the villains.

This part right here:

“From now on, if we capture foreign ships and their respective countries try to attack us, we will kill them (the hostages),” Jamac Habeb, a 30-year-old pirate, told The Associated Press from one of Somalia’s piracy hubs, Eyl.

I think the quote was supposed to be:

“From now on, if we capture foreign ships and their respective countries try to attack us, we will hornswaggle the landlubbers!”

We should check on that.

He’s 10 and He’s Gay!

April 13, 2009

A Polish politician is up in arms over the local zoo’s acquisition of a “gay” elephant. 

““We didn’t pay 37 million zlotys ($11 million) for the largest elephant house in Europe to have a gay elephant live there,” Michal Grzes, a conservative councilor in the city of Poznan in western Poland, was quoted as saying.”

Apparently the elephant, named Ninio, prefers the company of males and will probably not procreate.

A zoo official thinks that Councilor Grzes might be jumping the gun.

“The head of the Poznan zoo said 10-year-old Ninio may be too young to decide whether he prefers males or females as elephants only reach sexual maturity at 14.”

I’m just glad that the zoo staff had the presence of mind to keep this guy clear of the Ape House on his way out of the park. We wouldn’t want him to witness a male chimp grooming one of his comrades. The Councilor might claim that the ape is the hairdresser of the bunch and ask for his banishment into the wild.

This guy needs a hobby.

Maybe he should write a humor blog.

How to succeed in the freebasing business

April 11, 2009

I have another great business idea for everybody.

I’m sure that you’ve heard about the new gadget called “Le Whif” – a novel but strange product that delivers chocolate through something that looks like an asthma inhaler.

“Le Whif is a new way of eating chocolate – by breathing it! ” says the company web-site. It’s been in the papers lately and has been getting a good amount of attention. A 6 pack of them goes for about 10 Euros.

 “Imagine, chocolate without the calories”. Sounds great.

Well my product is not only just as effective as their’s but it’s super cheap to manufacture and can be sold for a fraction of the price.

I’ll call it Le Huff!!

Anyone can manufacture Le Huff for retail sale by buying two items on-line in bulk and putting them together. Are you ready for the two ingredients?

Here they are: A Hershey’s Kiss and a Plastic zip-lock bag.

Just put a Hershey’s Kiss in a plastic bag and you have Le Huff – ready for the market.

The best part is that I’ve seen that you can buy both items for about 10 cents together. It costs only 10 cents to make so you can easily undercut Le Whif, sell the item for only 50 cents each, and get the business of those people who would like to breath in chocolate but are too cheap to pay 10 Euros for 6 inhalers. And the best part is that you’re still making a huge profit.

Besides, Le Huff works just as well as Le Whif. Just open the zip lock bag, put your nose in and inhale – repeat as neccessary. People are gonna love it!

So go out there and get to business. You could be one of the first chocolate inhalant millionaires!

Co-ed Grease Wrestling for Fun and Profit

April 10, 2009

“Two Detroit-area men face larceny and trespassing charges after authorities say they tried to steal used restaurant grease. Westland police Sgt. Steve Borisch said 52-year-old Christopher Kind and 44-year-old Richard Tallent were arrested early Tuesday at a restaurant in the city 10 miles west of Detroit.

Borisch said an employee of a business that collects and recycles grease under contract with area restaurants had blocked the two with his truck. He told police 1,000 pounds of grease worth about $160 had been drained from a nearby eatery’s grease tank.”

1,000 pounds of grease for $160?!

I know the economy is bad but that just doesn’t seem worth it!

In fact, I don’t think the two burglars were going to sell the grease at all. I think we’re underestimating what they had in mind for this heist.

Here are some possibilities of what they were going to do with it:

– Maybe they were doing it all for the children. The Kind or the Tallent family could have 5 or 6 kids to entertain. Some used grease would sure make the Slip-and-Slide a lot more fun. And just imagine how many grilled-cheese sandwiches you could make!

– Maybe it’s for the sake of style. A guy who’d creep around in the middle of the night to steal a tanker’s worth of used grease could also be the very same guy that sports a huge pompadour! That haul would be at least a year’s supply of Fonzi-esque cool. Think about it.

– We could also be busting them for the wrong crime. There has to be a college in there area and in that college there has to be Co-eds in need of money. You see where I’m going with this. And it goes right back to the “know your criminal” rule. The same guys that would get a truck to syphon grease in the pre-dawn hours could also be the same guys running an illegal grease wrestling league and having people bet on the matches. We have to consider all the possibilities.

– Or maybe we’re looking at the whole operation with small eyes. Maybe they’re not a crime duo but a crime ring. What if the grease heist wasn’t their main goal at all. There could have an accomplice of there’s stuck in the doorway of the last place they tried to rob. I’m picturing an incredibly obese man wedged in the opening of a bank vault, with two skinny guys still in the vault behind him wondering why they didn’t go out third instead of him. Could grease thieves also have an enormous friend whom they rob banks with? Absolutely!

Now this is all speculation. I haven’t been given access to all the details of the case (Gee, I wonder why). But I have a strong gut-feeling about this. And my gut is never wrong, except for that time I sent my two uncles out to steal restaurant grease to fill my swimming pool. They ended up getting arrested and…well…you know the rest.

Bean Curd and Beaver

April 9, 2009

A Colorado woman’s suggestion for a vanity license plate was rejected by state authorities for being obscene.

“Kelly Coffman-Lee wanted to tell the world about her fondness for bean curd by picking certain letters for her SUV’s license plate.

Her suggestion for the plate: “ILVTOFU.””

This is completely unfair considering the state recently allowed a road-kill connoisseur’s plates to read:


Just a joke of course. I don’t think that plate’s made sense since the 70’s.