How to succeed in the freebasing business

Posted April 11, 2009 by comicalone
Categories: In The News

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I have another great business idea for everybody.

I’m sure that you’ve heard about the new gadget called “Le Whif” – a novel but strange product that delivers chocolate through something that looks like an asthma inhaler.

“Le Whif is a new way of eating chocolate – by breathing it! ” says the company web-site. It’s been in the papers lately and has been getting a good amount of attention. A 6 pack of them goes for about 10 Euros.

 “Imagine, chocolate without the calories”. Sounds great.

Well my product is not only just as effective as their’s but it’s super cheap to manufacture and can be sold for a fraction of the price.

I’ll call it Le Huff!!

Anyone can manufacture Le Huff for retail sale by buying two items on-line in bulk and putting them together. Are you ready for the two ingredients?

Here they are: A Hershey’s Kiss and a Plastic zip-lock bag.

Just put a Hershey’s Kiss in a plastic bag and you have Le Huff – ready for the market.

The best part is that I’ve seen that you can buy both items for about 10 cents together. It costs only 10 cents to make so you can easily undercut Le Whif, sell the item for only 50 cents each, and get the business of those people who would like to breath in chocolate but are too cheap to pay 10 Euros for 6 inhalers. And the best part is that you’re still making a huge profit.

Besides, Le Huff works just as well as Le Whif. Just open the zip lock bag, put your nose in and inhale – repeat as neccessary. People are gonna love it!

So go out there and get to business. You could be one of the first chocolate inhalant millionaires!

http://www.lewhif.com/

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Co-ed Grease Wrestling for Fun and Profit

Posted April 10, 2009 by comicalone
Categories: In The News

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“Two Detroit-area men face larceny and trespassing charges after authorities say they tried to steal used restaurant grease. Westland police Sgt. Steve Borisch said 52-year-old Christopher Kind and 44-year-old Richard Tallent were arrested early Tuesday at a restaurant in the city 10 miles west of Detroit.

Borisch said an employee of a business that collects and recycles grease under contract with area restaurants had blocked the two with his truck. He told police 1,000 pounds of grease worth about $160 had been drained from a nearby eatery’s grease tank.”

1,000 pounds of grease for $160?!

I know the economy is bad but that just doesn’t seem worth it!

In fact, I don’t think the two burglars were going to sell the grease at all. I think we’re underestimating what they had in mind for this heist.

Here are some possibilities of what they were going to do with it:

– Maybe they were doing it all for the children. The Kind or the Tallent family could have 5 or 6 kids to entertain. Some used grease would sure make the Slip-and-Slide a lot more fun. And just imagine how many grilled-cheese sandwiches you could make!

– Maybe it’s for the sake of style. A guy who’d creep around in the middle of the night to steal a tanker’s worth of used grease could also be the very same guy that sports a huge pompadour! That haul would be at least a year’s supply of Fonzi-esque cool. Think about it.

– We could also be busting them for the wrong crime. There has to be a college in there area and in that college there has to be Co-eds in need of money. You see where I’m going with this. And it goes right back to the “know your criminal” rule. The same guys that would get a truck to syphon grease in the pre-dawn hours could also be the same guys running an illegal grease wrestling league and having people bet on the matches. We have to consider all the possibilities.

– Or maybe we’re looking at the whole operation with small eyes. Maybe they’re not a crime duo but a crime ring. What if the grease heist wasn’t their main goal at all. There could have an accomplice of there’s stuck in the doorway of the last place they tried to rob. I’m picturing an incredibly obese man wedged in the opening of a bank vault, with two skinny guys still in the vault behind him wondering why they didn’t go out third instead of him. Could grease thieves also have an enormous friend whom they rob banks with? Absolutely!

Now this is all speculation. I haven’t been given access to all the details of the case (Gee, I wonder why). But I have a strong gut-feeling about this. And my gut is never wrong, except for that time I sent my two uncles out to steal restaurant grease to fill my swimming pool. They ended up getting arrested and…well…you know the rest.

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2009/04/09/restaurant-grease-bandits_n_185207.html

Bean Curd and Beaver

Posted April 9, 2009 by comicalone
Categories: In The News

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A Colorado woman’s suggestion for a vanity license plate was rejected by state authorities for being obscene.

“Kelly Coffman-Lee wanted to tell the world about her fondness for bean curd by picking certain letters for her SUV’s license plate.

Her suggestion for the plate: “ILVTOFU.””

This is completely unfair considering the state recently allowed a road-kill connoisseur’s plates to read:

“BVR EATR”.

Just a joke of course. I don’t think that plate’s made sense since the 70’s.

http://www.usatoday.com/news/offbeat/2009-04-08-license-plate_N.htm

 

 

Fido the Killer?

Posted April 8, 2009 by comicalone
Categories: In The News

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A dog that was washed off the family sailboat into rough waters was returned to it’s owners four months later. The family had thought that the pooch was dead.

“The 4-year-old blue heeler, named Sophie Tucker, was captured by rangers last week on St. Bees Island in northern Queensland state, nearly 6 miles (10 kilometers) from where she was washed off the sailboat in November, owner Jan Griffith said.

Rangers initially thought they’d captured a wild dog, but friends who heard about the canine contacted Griffith and suggested it might be Sophie.”

How did the dog live on an island for so long by itself?  

“Sophie appeared to have survived by eating goats, as rangers found several baby goat carcasses around the island, Griffith said.”

That’s amazing to me. Who would have thought that little Sophie would have it in her?

I’m not gonna ask how the owners surmised that the dog had eaten the goats they found on the Island. Maybe the dog was found wearing a necklace of goat ears as trophies. I don’t know.

But my question is: Would you ever think that the pampered canine you have at home could survive Rambo style for four months?

I’m picturing Sophie smeared in goat’s blood war paint, building a shelter by a camp fire.

It’s most surprising because the only thing my dog at home attacks is my dry-cleaning bill when he puts his muddy paws on my pants. But Sophie’s story opens my eyes.

I guess the primal instinct to survive is not too far away for a dog, or any animal for that matter. All species had the skills to make it on their own at some point. This Call of the Wild tale shows us that even when lost at sea, left for dead or forced to kill, our pets can survive with-out us.

This is probably welcome news to most pet owners. Now they know that their dogs, cats, hamsters or parrots have a chance to live if they get lost or run away.

But for me, there is only one real lesson to this: I’m gonna need a new plan to get rid of my mother-in law.

http://www.kansascity.com/450/story/1130433.html

You’ve Heard of Perfume on a Letter.

Posted April 7, 2009 by comicalone
Categories: In The News

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A guy in South Dakota was sentenced to a fine, probation and restitution for mailing animal feces along with his traffic citation.

“Prosecutors said he smeared the excrement on a traffic citation, a note and cash that he sent to the Minnehaha County Clerk of Courts on July 21.”

So he got a traffic citation and smeared animal turd on it.

Does that mean that if he got a ticket for not curbing his dog he would smear motor oil on it?

I’m just wondering.

http://www.seattlepi.com/national/1120ap_odd_poop_package.html?source=mypi

Hulk Hogan Meets Felix Unger

Posted April 6, 2009 by comicalone
Categories: In The News

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Have you heard about this?

“BERLIN – A German woman has divorced her husband because she was fed up with him cleaning all the time.

German media reported the wife got through 15 years of marriage putting up with the man’s penchant for doing household chores, tidying up and rearranging the furniture.”

What the article doesn’t tell you is the other reason for the couple’s split – stress over the family business. You see, the very anal husband and the very small 4’10” Mrs. were part of a popular German co-ed tag-team wrestling duo called “Tiny and Tidy”.

The falling-out started after the team’s semi-final loss to the defending champs: Brother & Sister squat “He Said She Said”. Tiny refused to give interviews after the match. Sources have speculated that she was very upset that the loss came as a result of Tidy being preoccupied with cleaning a pile of tortilla chip crumbs in the first row of the stands. Tiny was pinned while Tidy was going to get a dust-pan from the janitor’s closet.

Although Tiny has repeatedly denied that as a reason for the split many close to the matter have confirmed that they had not shared a bedroom since the night of the crushing defeat. All of this came just weeks after the couple was fitted with matching tattoos – a blue and pink version of a Yin-Yang: the tag-team’s logo. The German Co-Ed Wresting League has already cancelled the team’s remaining matches.

But of course I made all of that up.

Have a good day.

http://www.vancouversun.com/Life/German+woman+divorces+husband+cleaning+much/1455892/story.html

I have high hopes for this guy

Posted April 4, 2009 by comicalone
Categories: In The News

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72-year old  Prax Sanchez coughed up an inch-long nail after an MRI this week.

“His doctor, Jamieson Kennedy, told television station KKTV in Colorado Springs that the nail might have been embedded there as long as 30 years. The MRI’s magnetic force apparently dislodged the nail, causing Sanchez to cough it up.”

wow.

“Sanchez says he can’t remember ever using a nail like it.”

wow again.

This guy is the Trifecta of potentially bizarre medical conditions.

– He apparently doesn’t feel anything

– He apparently doesn’t remember much

– And he apparently has no problem housing foreign objects in his body for decades at a time.

A reporter should accompany him to every medical visit. I might volunteer to go myself!

I wonder what his Proctologist will find.

http://hosted.ap.org/dynamic/stories/O/ODD_THIRTY_YEAR_NAIL_IN_HEAD?SITE=PAGRE&SECTION=HOME&TEMPLATE=DEFAULT