Posted tagged ‘Associated Press’

A violation of the Blue Balls Protocol

April 16, 2009

“MADISON, Wis. – A nurse was called out of surgery so a manager could tell her she was being laid off. Dean Health said the surgery was minor and the patient wasn’t affected, but the manager who summoned the nurse from surgery violated medical protocol.”

As anyone who goes by “Mr. Lipshitz” knows, a name is very important.

It’s all in the details.

If you make a nurse stop working in the middle of a procedure it’s called a violation of medical protocol.

If you make a Porn Star stop working in the middle of a procedure it’s called blue balls.



Shiver me timbers! Pirate Misquoted!

April 14, 2009

“Obama says US ‘resolved’ to fight piracy; pirates vow revenge for captain’s rescue”

This piece of front-page news might contain a misquote from one of the villains.

This part right here:

“From now on, if we capture foreign ships and their respective countries try to attack us, we will kill them (the hostages),” Jamac Habeb, a 30-year-old pirate, told The Associated Press from one of Somalia’s piracy hubs, Eyl.

I think the quote was supposed to be:

“From now on, if we capture foreign ships and their respective countries try to attack us, we will hornswaggle the landlubbers!”

We should check on that.

Co-ed Grease Wrestling for Fun and Profit

April 10, 2009

“Two Detroit-area men face larceny and trespassing charges after authorities say they tried to steal used restaurant grease. Westland police Sgt. Steve Borisch said 52-year-old Christopher Kind and 44-year-old Richard Tallent were arrested early Tuesday at a restaurant in the city 10 miles west of Detroit.

Borisch said an employee of a business that collects and recycles grease under contract with area restaurants had blocked the two with his truck. He told police 1,000 pounds of grease worth about $160 had been drained from a nearby eatery’s grease tank.”

1,000 pounds of grease for $160?!

I know the economy is bad but that just doesn’t seem worth it!

In fact, I don’t think the two burglars were going to sell the grease at all. I think we’re underestimating what they had in mind for this heist.

Here are some possibilities of what they were going to do with it:

– Maybe they were doing it all for the children. The Kind or the Tallent family could have 5 or 6 kids to entertain. Some used grease would sure make the Slip-and-Slide a lot more fun. And just imagine how many grilled-cheese sandwiches you could make!

– Maybe it’s for the sake of style. A guy who’d creep around in the middle of the night to steal a tanker’s worth of used grease could also be the very same guy that sports a huge pompadour! That haul would be at least a year’s supply of Fonzi-esque cool. Think about it.

– We could also be busting them for the wrong crime. There has to be a college in there area and in that college there has to be Co-eds in need of money. You see where I’m going with this. And it goes right back to the “know your criminal” rule. The same guys that would get a truck to syphon grease in the pre-dawn hours could also be the same guys running an illegal grease wrestling league and having people bet on the matches. We have to consider all the possibilities.

– Or maybe we’re looking at the whole operation with small eyes. Maybe they’re not a crime duo but a crime ring. What if the grease heist wasn’t their main goal at all. There could have an accomplice of there’s stuck in the doorway of the last place they tried to rob. I’m picturing an incredibly obese man wedged in the opening of a bank vault, with two skinny guys still in the vault behind him wondering why they didn’t go out third instead of him. Could grease thieves also have an enormous friend whom they rob banks with? Absolutely!

Now this is all speculation. I haven’t been given access to all the details of the case (Gee, I wonder why). But I have a strong gut-feeling about this. And my gut is never wrong, except for that time I sent my two uncles out to steal restaurant grease to fill my swimming pool. They ended up getting arrested and…well…you know the rest.

A New Low?

April 3, 2009

” ATLANTA – Traces of a chemical used in rocket fuel were found in samples of powdered baby formula, and could exceed what’s considered a safe dose for adults if mixed with water also contaminated with the ingredient, a government study has found.

The study by scientists at the U.S. Centers for Disease Control and Prevention looked for the chemical, perchlorate, in different brands of powdered baby formula.”

Who would do such a thing? Or even let something like this happen?

The Associated Press gives us a big clue in the article:

“No tests have ever shown the chemical caused health problems, but scientists have said significant amounts of perchlorate can affect thyroid function. The thyroid helps set the body’s metabolism.”

Aha! So this chemical effects the metabolism. But who has a motive to alter the fat burning abilities of our smallest citizens?

I have a theory about who might be behind this. I have no proof – please don’t sue me. It’s just a gut feeling and it makes perfect sense!

I think that popular NBC show “America’s Biggest Loser” might be the culprit!

Think about it. This show’s ratings are based on size. They know that we tune in to see the staggering transformations of the truly massive. Nobody would watch a show to see an average guy lose 20 pounds. Where’s the entertainment in that?

What the people want is to see a XXXXL shrink down to a Medium in less time than it takes to build a deck. And what better way to guarantee a steady flow of giants in the future? A little tweaking of the metabolism when they’re young and they’ll be knocking down the doors as a fresh new crop of before photos in 20 years – McDonald’s will take care of the years in between.

Oh they are crafty.

Forethought like this in the entertainment industry hasn’t been seen since Lionel Richie was bred with a greyhound to create Nicole Richie. (Again, I have no proof – please don’t sue me).

And the sickest part is that it just might work!

If you thought that Season 7 was the biggest Season ever, just wait until you see Season 27 when these pudgy preemies grow up.

Don’t say I didn’t warn you.


Oppotunity in a Growth Industry

April 2, 2009

You just can’t make this stuff up:

“SAO PAULO – Inmates have devised an innovative way to smuggle in cell phones into a prison farm in Brazil: carrier pigeons. Guards at the Danilio Pinheiro prison near the southeastern city of Sorocaba noticed a pigeon resting on an electric wire with a small cloth bag tied to one of its legs last week. “The guards nabbed the bird after luring it down with some food and discovered components of a small cell phone inside the bag,” police investigator Celso Soramiglio said Tuesday.

One day later, another pigeon was spotted dragging a similar bag inside the prison’s exercise yard. Inside the bag was the cell phone’s charger, Soramiglio said.”

Are you thinking what the Brazilian prisoners are thinking?

All the inmates need are bigger pigeons to fly them out of jail!

This could be a huge opportunity for a scientist. I’m sure the inmates would pay millions in drug money to anyone that can mutate a trained pigeon large enough to carry a felon over prison walls. And in this case, so far as the prisoners are concerned, I’m sure that the ends would justify any means. Hormones, steroids, genetic mutations – I seriously doubt they would care how you did it.

P.E.T.A might have a huge problem with this whole plan. I don’t know if they would think that growing a pigeon to the size of a Chevy is cruel. But in this economy, a potential gold mine like this needs to be brought to the public.

So if you know a mad scientist (or even a slightly insane scientist with student loans to pay) send them this link. It might get them, and the prisoners, out of a jam.

Just wear a helmet when in the laboratory’s parking lot. These droppings would do more than ruin your paint job.

Stool Smashup

March 31, 2009

The associated press was nice enough to share a story about a man in Ohio who was charged with drunk driving after crashing his motorized bar stool.

“Police in Newark, 30 miles east of Columbus, say when they responded to a report of a crash with injuries on March 4, they found a man who had wrecked a bar stool powered by a deconstructed lawn mower.

Twenty-eight-year Kile Wygle was hospitalized for minor injuries. Police say he was charged with operating a vehicle while intoxicated after he told an officer at the hospital that he had consumed 15 beers. Wygle told police his motorized bar stool can go up to 38 mph.

Wygle has pleaded not guilty and has requested a jury trial.”

I have one main question.

Q: How does the man know that the motorized bar stool can go up to 38 mph?  There is no odometer. (You can see a picture of the vehicle in the link I’ve posted)

A: I came up with two ways that he could have figured that out – both pretty ridiculous.

1) He timed his trip between two places and figured it out based on distance. This does not make much sense because he couldn’t have been going top speed the whole way. It also seems unlikely to me that this man would have the forethought to map out a course, clock the distance and then conduct the experiment. He is, after all, someone who just got busted for drinking 15 beers and then crashing a home-made vehicle. I just don’t see him being a proponent of the scientific method. 

2) He rode along-side the car of one of his brain-dead friends, brought the stool up to top speed and then asked his buddy in the car how fast they were going. This way would be safer, but no less absurd. Oh what I would give to see those wizards riding around in a parking lot screaming “how fast now!?”. I’m picturing cut-off jean shorts, a rat-tail, high-top sneakers and an American Flag t-shirt.

The most important aspect of this story is the impact it could have on the scientific world.

Darwin could be wrong.

He lived!!!