Posted tagged ‘Drunk’

Help Me I’m Drunk!!!

December 31, 2009

Check out this story in the Miami Herald.

“OLDSMAR, Fla. — Authorities say a Florida man who called 911 claiming he’d been beaten and shot at was hoping the tale would get him a ride to a bar.”

I can usually get my best material right from real life.

“He told the dispatcher he had a broken nose and bleeding ears, and claimed people were shooting at him.
Authorities say he was actually looking for a ride to another bar.”

And of course:

“37-year-old Gregory J. Oras is facing charges of misusing the 911 system and battery of a law enforcement officer.”

Why battery of a law enforcement officer?
Because when the cops refused to take this guy bar hopping “Oras kicked a Pinellas County sheriff’s deputy in the knees”.

Now I know you have many questions about this. I’m sure that someone can reasonably ask anything from:
Was this guy dropped on his head as a child?
To: how much can a taxi possibly cost in that town?

But my personal questions are:

a) Why doesn’t a guy this committed to partying have more friends to drive him around? I would think that he would be really popular with countless options for designated drivers.
b) Why isn’t the owner of the bar he wanted to go to willing to pick him up? Obviously anybody that gets that smashed is a potential goldmine of business for any bar. They should have spent the $3.00 on gas and went to get that cash cow! Assuming that he doesn’t start a brawl, blow the place up, step out on the bill or burn the bar down that would have been a smart business move for them. Even after he inevitably throws up in both the men’s and women’s bathrooms.

So that’s my view on it. The link to the article is right there. Take a look and give me your take (don’t worry it’s short – you can go back to raising your virtual ant farm on Facebook in no time).

Take it easy.


The United States of Sloshed: A Battle Plan

April 1, 2009

Reuters released an article about the best selling brand of beer in the world being a Chinese beer called Snow. It passed Bud Light to become number one.

“Snow, which is brewed by SABMiller and its Chinese partner China Resources Enterprises Ltd, saw its 2008 sales volumes jump 19.1 percent to 61 million hectoliters putting it well ahead of Bud Light and sister brew Budweiser.”

I’m sure that this is mildly interesting to hard-core beer enthusiasts. But what get’s my attention is another figure in the story:

“The Snow brand has grown rapidly as China overtook the United States earlier this decade to become the biggest beer market in the world in terms of volume and is now over 50 percent larger.”

China just recently overtook the U.S as the top beer market in the world?  That is unbelievable.

China has a population that is over 400% larger than that of the U.S.


Yet their beer market is only 50% larger than that of the States! And that’s a recent development.

Exactly how drunk are Americans?

I’m sure that some would point to our proportionately larger loss of brain cells and gain of beer bellies and be concerned. But I see a silver lining to our barley & hops addiction.

Americans overall must have a much higher tolerance for beer than their Chinese counterparts!

So here’s my plan: When dealing with the Chinese in international issues we must incorporate booze.

If the U.S ever wants to attack China it has to be after we’ve got them nice and drunk. Our troops could be waiting to attack in the aftermath of a huge keg party. The American troops should be in much better shape to fight after a few brewskies than the Chinese soldiers – who would probably be too busy holding each other’s hair to properly defend themselves.

This is huge news for our national defense!

Border disputes: Beer Pong!

Regional tensions: A beer funneling contest!

“Chemical” warfare: Put beer in their water supply!

Air raids: They’ll get bombed and then get bombed.

And you thought that you partied too much in college…

Drink up soldier!


U.S Population:

Chinese Population:

Stool Smashup

March 31, 2009

The associated press was nice enough to share a story about a man in Ohio who was charged with drunk driving after crashing his motorized bar stool.

“Police in Newark, 30 miles east of Columbus, say when they responded to a report of a crash with injuries on March 4, they found a man who had wrecked a bar stool powered by a deconstructed lawn mower.

Twenty-eight-year Kile Wygle was hospitalized for minor injuries. Police say he was charged with operating a vehicle while intoxicated after he told an officer at the hospital that he had consumed 15 beers. Wygle told police his motorized bar stool can go up to 38 mph.

Wygle has pleaded not guilty and has requested a jury trial.”

I have one main question.

Q: How does the man know that the motorized bar stool can go up to 38 mph?  There is no odometer. (You can see a picture of the vehicle in the link I’ve posted)

A: I came up with two ways that he could have figured that out – both pretty ridiculous.

1) He timed his trip between two places and figured it out based on distance. This does not make much sense because he couldn’t have been going top speed the whole way. It also seems unlikely to me that this man would have the forethought to map out a course, clock the distance and then conduct the experiment. He is, after all, someone who just got busted for drinking 15 beers and then crashing a home-made vehicle. I just don’t see him being a proponent of the scientific method. 

2) He rode along-side the car of one of his brain-dead friends, brought the stool up to top speed and then asked his buddy in the car how fast they were going. This way would be safer, but no less absurd. Oh what I would give to see those wizards riding around in a parking lot screaming “how fast now!?”. I’m picturing cut-off jean shorts, a rat-tail, high-top sneakers and an American Flag t-shirt.

The most important aspect of this story is the impact it could have on the scientific world.

Darwin could be wrong.

He lived!!!