Posted tagged ‘Humor’

Limerick #2

April 17, 2009

Everyone envied Bob Sabre

Till his Missus went into Labor

You could tell by his frown

that she had slept around

Junior looked just like the Neighbor

A violation of the Blue Balls Protocol

April 16, 2009

“MADISON, Wis. – A nurse was called out of surgery so a manager could tell her she was being laid off. Dean Health said the surgery was minor and the patient wasn’t affected, but the manager who summoned the nurse from surgery violated medical protocol.”

As anyone who goes by “Mr. Lipshitz” knows, a name is very important.

It’s all in the details.

If you make a nurse stop working in the middle of a procedure it’s called a violation of medical protocol.

If you make a Porn Star stop working in the middle of a procedure it’s called blue balls.

Lipshitz: http://www.houseofnames.com/nameresults.asp?item=JPG-1001-300&sId=&surname=Lipshitz&origin=GR

http://www.startribune.com/nation/43051017.html?elr=KArks:DCiUMEaPc:UiacyKUnciaec8O7EyUr

A Limerick

April 15, 2009

The drive to work started off fine

Till I flew right through the Stop Sign

At this she was blue

And growled “Screw You!!”

I sped off replying “Kiss Mine!”

Shiver me timbers! Pirate Misquoted!

April 14, 2009

“Obama says US ‘resolved’ to fight piracy; pirates vow revenge for captain’s rescue”

This piece of front-page news might contain a misquote from one of the villains.

This part right here:

“From now on, if we capture foreign ships and their respective countries try to attack us, we will kill them (the hostages),” Jamac Habeb, a 30-year-old pirate, told The Associated Press from one of Somalia’s piracy hubs, Eyl.

I think the quote was supposed to be:

“From now on, if we capture foreign ships and their respective countries try to attack us, we will hornswaggle the landlubbers!”

We should check on that.

http://abcnews.go.com/International/wireStory?id=7321178

He’s 10 and He’s Gay!

April 13, 2009

A Polish politician is up in arms over the local zoo’s acquisition of a “gay” elephant. 

““We didn’t pay 37 million zlotys ($11 million) for the largest elephant house in Europe to have a gay elephant live there,” Michal Grzes, a conservative councilor in the city of Poznan in western Poland, was quoted as saying.”

Apparently the elephant, named Ninio, prefers the company of males and will probably not procreate.

A zoo official thinks that Councilor Grzes might be jumping the gun.

“The head of the Poznan zoo said 10-year-old Ninio may be too young to decide whether he prefers males or females as elephants only reach sexual maturity at 14.”

I’m just glad that the zoo staff had the presence of mind to keep this guy clear of the Ape House on his way out of the park. We wouldn’t want him to witness a male chimp grooming one of his comrades. The Councilor might claim that the ape is the hairdresser of the bunch and ask for his banishment into the wild.

This guy needs a hobby.

Maybe he should write a humor blog.

http://www.reuters.com/article/oddlyEnoughNews/idUSTRE53923220090410

How to succeed in the freebasing business

April 11, 2009

I have another great business idea for everybody.

I’m sure that you’ve heard about the new gadget called “Le Whif” – a novel but strange product that delivers chocolate through something that looks like an asthma inhaler.

“Le Whif is a new way of eating chocolate – by breathing it! ” says the company web-site. It’s been in the papers lately and has been getting a good amount of attention. A 6 pack of them goes for about 10 Euros.

 “Imagine, chocolate without the calories”. Sounds great.

Well my product is not only just as effective as their’s but it’s super cheap to manufacture and can be sold for a fraction of the price.

I’ll call it Le Huff!!

Anyone can manufacture Le Huff for retail sale by buying two items on-line in bulk and putting them together. Are you ready for the two ingredients?

Here they are: A Hershey’s Kiss and a Plastic zip-lock bag.

Just put a Hershey’s Kiss in a plastic bag and you have Le Huff – ready for the market.

The best part is that I’ve seen that you can buy both items for about 10 cents together. It costs only 10 cents to make so you can easily undercut Le Whif, sell the item for only 50 cents each, and get the business of those people who would like to breath in chocolate but are too cheap to pay 10 Euros for 6 inhalers. And the best part is that you’re still making a huge profit.

Besides, Le Huff works just as well as Le Whif. Just open the zip lock bag, put your nose in and inhale – repeat as neccessary. People are gonna love it!

So go out there and get to business. You could be one of the first chocolate inhalant millionaires!

http://www.lewhif.com/

Co-ed Grease Wrestling for Fun and Profit

April 10, 2009

“Two Detroit-area men face larceny and trespassing charges after authorities say they tried to steal used restaurant grease. Westland police Sgt. Steve Borisch said 52-year-old Christopher Kind and 44-year-old Richard Tallent were arrested early Tuesday at a restaurant in the city 10 miles west of Detroit.

Borisch said an employee of a business that collects and recycles grease under contract with area restaurants had blocked the two with his truck. He told police 1,000 pounds of grease worth about $160 had been drained from a nearby eatery’s grease tank.”

1,000 pounds of grease for $160?!

I know the economy is bad but that just doesn’t seem worth it!

In fact, I don’t think the two burglars were going to sell the grease at all. I think we’re underestimating what they had in mind for this heist.

Here are some possibilities of what they were going to do with it:

– Maybe they were doing it all for the children. The Kind or the Tallent family could have 5 or 6 kids to entertain. Some used grease would sure make the Slip-and-Slide a lot more fun. And just imagine how many grilled-cheese sandwiches you could make!

– Maybe it’s for the sake of style. A guy who’d creep around in the middle of the night to steal a tanker’s worth of used grease could also be the very same guy that sports a huge pompadour! That haul would be at least a year’s supply of Fonzi-esque cool. Think about it.

– We could also be busting them for the wrong crime. There has to be a college in there area and in that college there has to be Co-eds in need of money. You see where I’m going with this. And it goes right back to the “know your criminal” rule. The same guys that would get a truck to syphon grease in the pre-dawn hours could also be the same guys running an illegal grease wrestling league and having people bet on the matches. We have to consider all the possibilities.

– Or maybe we’re looking at the whole operation with small eyes. Maybe they’re not a crime duo but a crime ring. What if the grease heist wasn’t their main goal at all. There could have an accomplice of there’s stuck in the doorway of the last place they tried to rob. I’m picturing an incredibly obese man wedged in the opening of a bank vault, with two skinny guys still in the vault behind him wondering why they didn’t go out third instead of him. Could grease thieves also have an enormous friend whom they rob banks with? Absolutely!

Now this is all speculation. I haven’t been given access to all the details of the case (Gee, I wonder why). But I have a strong gut-feeling about this. And my gut is never wrong, except for that time I sent my two uncles out to steal restaurant grease to fill my swimming pool. They ended up getting arrested and…well…you know the rest.

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2009/04/09/restaurant-grease-bandits_n_185207.html